I like to believe I’m a good teacher. In my day job as a highschool teacher, I like to form authentic relationships with the students, seeing them as worthy persons and offer them as much space as they can handle. But it doesn’t always work out the way I imagined.
This blog is about my personal experience of ‘failure’, how it helped me to unveil unconscious beliefs about myself and how I addressed such stories.
Failure
The other week, the group of 12/13-year olds went completely wild and I could scarcely contain the situation. I thought it was the worst class in many years. Yeah, it was bad, but hey, it was only once. But then, the day right after, with another group it went even worse. This time I sincerely felt a sense of despair, trying to keep the students (and even myself at some point) calm.
After the students finally left at the end of class, I found myself cleaning up the mess they left and I felt defeated. In this depressed state, my inner demons found space to tell their stories.
I think all of us have certain voices in our heads. Voices that tell stories that shape the reality we find ourselves in. There is an inner critic within all of us, that focuses on everything we did wrong and constantly points to all our insecurities.
The Inner Critic: "you suck!"
Fortunately, after my bad experience, I had some time off before my next class. I decided to go to the park. I lay down on the grass and was fully present with whatever I would feel. And to listen to what the voices would tell me, revealing some unconscious beliefs I still carried with me.
And then came the voice of the inner critic. I listened closely. It told me that I was a pushover, not a warrior at all. It told me that my colleagues are good at their job, while I am no more than a dilettante. And it told me I’m not a good teacher, because I’m too lazy to properly prepare anything.
Of course these aren’t nice things to say or to hear. But now that I was consciously listening, I could act on it. If I would just have gone through with my day and numbed myself afterwards by scrolling endlessly through social media, these convictions would only have gotten the chance to dig themselves in even further.
Forgiveness
Before I could address these convictions of self-doubt, I needed to forgive myself. Sure, I failed to meet my expectation of how a lesson was supposed to be, but that is okay. I am okay. I love myself; every part of myself. Even the part of me that was feeling desperation.
Well, that was very relieving. From that point on, I could reflect on the experience to learn from it and grow. This time not because I had to; because I needed to improve in order to become or stay okay. I didn’t require the improvement as a condition to be good enough. I was just willing to grow and to accept this opportunity.
Gradually, my depression made space for confidence again, while I was walking in the park.
After my break, I had to teach one more class. At the end of the afternoon, when the students’ concentration is typically very low.
But I felt no hesitation. I did not doubt myself anymore. My presence alone was enough this time to get them to be quiet and listen.
And I told them basically everything I'm now writing in this blog. This turned out to be one of the best classes of the year.
The Inner Badass
This whole experience reminded me of the mechanics of the stories we tell ourselves. And our power to (re)shape our (experience of) reality.
I have learned that when I become aware of my inner critic’s voice, I can also call out to my ‘inner badass’.
When the one voice is telling me that I suck and I’m not good enough, I can say: “Okay, thanks, I hear you. But…” and then I look for a counterstatement. Preferably one that feels difficult to express or believe.
A few months ago, I encountered the belief: “you do not belong, you are not fun enough”. I tried to counter that with a few statements until I got to: “It is good that I am here”. It felt really difficult back then to pronounce for me, so I knew this was the right affirmation for me. I kept voicing this new story until it hit home, and deep within I started to accept it.
This practice relieved me from quite some uncertainty. Back then, and every time I use it again.
Stories that shape reality
These voices, these beliefs, all of them probably have an origin of a painful unresolved experience in the past. I guess they are the voices of trauma. But they create stories that we can start to believe. They can greatly limit our possibilities. They can even lead to self-destructive behaviour if the heart of the story is that we are not worthy. Like I wrote; much of these stories are being repeated quietly within, without us being aware of them.
But we can also consciously decide to rewrite these stories. We can offer ourselves new beliefs about ourselves, if we just allow our inner badass to speak freely. To speak lovingly about ourselves. When we believe we matter, we’re bound to contribute to life and beauty, instead of withdrawing from it.
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